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10th November 2015

I often wonder about people that suffer with complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). Googling has amazed me that, although there are a lot of groups and different organisations helping with post traumatic stress (PTSD). There are few dealing dealing with CPTSD. The word PTSD has mainly been associated with the military, especially in the USA. 
CPTSD, although less known, is worse than PTSD, I have suffered with CPTSD all my life, although I wasn't actually diagnosed properly until 2010. 
There are many more symptoms to CPTSD over PTSD, I am 58 now and I am still suffering from nightmares and flashbacks, although not as frequent as they used to be because of the medications I am on, I hate tablets but it's a matter of what I'd rather have, mainly peace and quiet from all the symptoms or end up back in hospital, so I know which I prefer.
I just wish I was medically trained in a way to help people properly with CPTSD. I have looked into doing some courses into the mental health area and I have actually started doing a degree with a Phd, but half way through, I realised, I am just too old now to actually do anything like that now.

Recently I have been put on a painkiller called Dihydrocodeine, along with my co-dydramol, are killing the pain in my legs and feet and at last I can almost walk properly, although I still have my limp from the stroke. 
I am getting well annoyed with myself lately because of a twitch in my left arm, it seems to have a life of it's own at times.
The memory is slowly getting worse, I looked at my t-shirt this morning and wondered what it was, after a few minutes, it came to me, but then I wondered how I put it on, jeez.

Christmas isn't far away now, I am going to try harder this year, one not to be such a grump and two, to try and enjoy myself. 
I have had the strangest feeling for the last few weeks that I haven't got long before I kick the bucket and end up six feet under, maybe it's wishful thinking sometimes, or it's because of all the crazy thoughts of suicide that has been going through my head lately.

Back to the painkillers, these new one I have are very addictive and the other ones are addictive as well, so I am only taking them when needed, unlike what the label says. I don't want to go down the road of addiction, so easy to do, especially when I am on one of my dark days, which happens more that good days.

Stay safe