23rd November 2015
I watched a tv program called hollyoaks yesterday, for those that don't know it, it is a well known soap series here in the UK. It has had a story line about sexual abuse for the last few weeks and it has been well acted, I do have to say, but yesterday, it all came to a head when the pervert was revealed. I watched most of it, but, as it progressed I started to get upset. As I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child by my 'father.' I went into one of my 'time loss phases' this is where I blank everything out, It's like I am on 'auto-pilot' I do and say stuff like normal but have no recollection of what I do or say, I've told my doctors about this and they say it's all part of my cptsd, it's a scary part of it I must admit. I finally came out of this 'time loss phase' and found myself in the kitchen with a carving knife in my hand against my throat and tears streaming down my face.
It's good to have a blog to write because you can write whatever you like, I hate this part of my life, where sometimes I am fine and yet an hour later I just cannot do anything because I just cannot be bothered. Like what happened yesterday. The missus asked what was wrong, I told her, she replied, "well, you were alright a minute ago," yeah, that is all it takes, a minute, one little trigger to change a person from being happy, to having tears streaming down his face. Yet she don't understand this, I have been like it for years and she just can't see it, or she can and don't give a damn, which is more like it.
I have found out that no-one really understands cptsd so why can't these professional counsellors bring together people like me and actually talk to us, instead of being so cold hearted when we do go and see them? All I ever get from my psychiatrist is question after question after question, and he is a consultant psychiatrist, which, as far as I know, is the best you can get.
I said to him months ago that I would like to talk about the times I was sexually abused, I have never spoke to anyone about it. I tried a couple of years ago with CBT, but it contributed to my stroke, my blood pressure flew through the roof, my heart rate reached 200 beats a minute in hospital, how the hell did I survive?
I have received a few threats on Facebook lately, I really don't give a damn about them, two were saying that they were going to do me in, I say bring it on, I won't even defend myself, I would just love whoever it is to carry their threat out, I am not joking either, it would let me rest and get away from this pain I am in every day. It has to be someone I know though because they said they knew that I was disabled and called me a cripple, nice one :) I love it when people are just cowards and can't say anything to my face, I have always told people to their faces what I think, even when they don't like what I have to say. That brings me on to another threat I received on Facebook. It was from my missus step brother. I had a go at his mum, she leaves my missus's father, who has had two triple bypasses and cannot straighten his arms out because he is riddled with rheumatism, he can hardly walk either. Anyway she is supposed to be his carer and look after him but she goes to Australia and leaves the poor old sod on his own for a week or two at a time. I know how it feels to be left alone every day but, a week or two must be awful. Her lovely mummy's boy son, had a go by sending me a message on Facebook, another coward, but this one is still tied to his mummy's apron strings and lives at home ;) I say to him "bring it on mummy's boy"
Take care and stay safe