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Thursday

30th July 2015

I finally done it, I went out alone and it was for four hours. I even amazed myself, yes, it was difficult at first, the sweat was pouring off me and the shakes? Jeez I thought everyone could see me shaking, but by lunch time, I was okay, I even played a game of pool, I lost, but what the hell, I really enjoyed it. Oh I forgot to mention, I went to the day centre owned by Fircroft trust, it's a charity that is for the use of vulnerable people. I knew I would not go if I tried on my own, but, as before, I went via dial a ride. 
Next Wednesday I've got a couple of ladies coming to see me to discuss how they could help me get over this agoraphobia, they work for another charity called Hestia. I am beginning to see a light at the end of a very dark and long tunnel, I have even made an appointment with a local gym, I got the missus coming with me as well.
I am going to beat this crap that I have been going through, I am determined to get through this, I have to say I am stubborn enough, so everything is in place for a long and bloody fight. 

TTFN 

Wednesday

15th July 2015

I've just noticed that I haven't wrote on here for nearly a month, reason being, that between the end of June and the end of July it's the anniversary of my so-called fathers death. The memories of what he done have come flooding back into my life. It is so difficult to understand how a man that I haven't seen or spoke to since I was thirteen can rule my life now, I just can't handle it.
I wish I could just block everything out, like I did before, but I don't know how I done it, I suppose being a kid when the crap happened made it easier to do then.
I have tried to go to the Fircroft trust again but I just can't seem to get all the crap out of my head to make a concerted effort to walk through the front door.
I am feeling so bad of late, my thoughts of suicide are growing stronger as each day passes, but I just can't bring myself to do anything, maybe I scared myself so much last time, with the fact of dying and the way my family was so shocked that I actually followed through with what I was going to do, that I have become a coward there as well.
I got a letter which is a copy that Dr Earl, my psychiatrist, sends to my GP. It has been bad of late, I am getting so lonely. I seem to be on my own nearly every day, for hours at a time. My only companion being my laptop. I try to talk to Margaret, my partner, about it, but she just shrugs it off with excuses. WE were invited to a wedding this coming weekend, but I don't get any help from her to get anything or to do anything else. It's like she's given up on me, all she says, well you weren't going to come anyway so why should I help you? I wanted to go to the wedding but no longer. I'll just spend another day indoors alone.
They say that loneliness can be a killer, I say the sooner the better. What with the flashbacks, nightmares and loneliness, my life is a living hell at the moment. Can I beat it this time? I don't know.
TTFN