24th March 2015
Today I went to Kingston hospital to have my hearing aid fitted, I wanted so much not to go, I just wanted to find somewhere that I could hide from the world that surrounds me. I was shaking so much, I was wondering if the people that was surrounding me could see. I felt sick as I looked around the bus I was travelling on.
Sometimes I just wish I could curl up in a dark hole somewhere and hide from everyone and everything, but as usual, I have to stick two fingers up to the world and say, "I am here, whether or not you like the fact, I am here and there's nothing you can do about it."
It is so easy to remember the crap that once surrounded me. I wonder sometimes, "am I forced by some invisible force to remember the crap? Or is it my fault that everything that I can remember from my life?" I know I still feel the guilt from my mother's death, I also know that it really wasn't my fault, but, in those quiet moments, like now as I write this, I wonder if I hadn't persuaded her to talk to her doctor about the angina that gave her so much pain every day, if I hadn't got her to ask about having a heart bypass, would she still be here today?So was my sister right when she texted me and called me a murderer? Maybe she was.
I also wonder if, in those days of being a child, did I really deserve the physical abuse I went through from my father? Was it my own fault that when I went to school I was just so useless at everything, I deserved to be called a useless idiot every day by the man that was supposed to be there to help me?
Did I deserve those beatings I got nearly every day just for the fun of it? Or just because I was useless at everything I done or touched every day? Was it my fault that my so called father raped my mother making me the reason he was forced to marry my mother? Was it my fault that he sexually abused me after my mother left us?
Why is it that I remember everything so clearly now after I have forced myself to forget it all? Was being attacked eight years ago such a big event in my life that, it opened my mind to all this crap that I once suffered and hidden away so successfully for so long? Why does everything haunt me now? It's been so long since everything happened? Is it haunting me now because everything was my fault at the time and I have to find a way to try and pay some sort of recompense in my life?
Since all this crap in my life has come back to try very hard to destroy me, several times it has nearly succeeded, I have begun to rely on my family more and more, I guess I don't deserve their support at times because I have been a real nasty bastard to them most of the time to them, sometimes I have thought about just up and leaving them, I know for a fact that they would all be better off without me, they could have the life they deserve.
Just recently, those thoughts of ending my life have returned once again, I am totally useless since my stroke, yes I can do certain things and yes, I have started doing my ship once more, but I still hate being alone nearly every day to suffer my thoughts.
My wife and youngest daughter have made planned to go on a holiday for a week soon, I was never asked about how I felt to be left alone for a whole week, I was never asked about how I felt about her going abroad without me for a whole week, she is just going and that is that.
That is enough for now, I will end this by saying, as a kid, I felt everything was my fault, even my very existence was my own fault and I still think that everything that happened to me back then was my own fault, as the old saying goes what goes around comes around, so there must have been something I had done that, even though I have no memory of that, I am, even to this day being punished for everything