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16th January 2015

I was thinking about my life today as I sat alone playing a game here on my computer. Just recently, in fact the last few days, things have started to go downhill again, why? I wish I knew. Things haven't really been too bad over the Christmas period, it was quiet, yes, we never went out and the only drink I had was a fosters lager or as I call it, gnats piss.
I woke up this morning really angry, because I was still alive. I had dreamt that I was dead, I've had those damn nightmares again recently, the flashbacks have not happened for a while but I guess they'll start soon though. I phoned the hospital to try and make an appointment at the beginning of the week and I am still waiting for a call back. 
The thoughts of suicide carry on haunting me, I can hear my father laughing at me as I fight these, one day I'm going to just give up. Strange thing is my feelings are up and down like a frigging yo-yo.
I wish I could go through that front door, just to go for a walk, but I am finding so hard to do that again, I guess the agoraphobia is taking over, I need help before things get too bad again, so bad that I do give up completely.