28th August 2014

I have been having some really bad issues lately, my own fault I guess, I'm  just too sensitive at times.

I have lost all contact with everybody since my illness was first diagnosed, no-one comes round to see me anymore and I can't go out, then came my stroke, that finished me off, I have had enough of dropping things on the floor,  jeez, it is so difficult to walk at times with my feet and legs so swollen, I've been told by my GP there's nothing that can be done about it, I just can't handle it, I want to get back to work, I hate sitting around day in, day out. The wife reckons there's no chance of me getting a job now. I guess she's right, who's going to employ an old man that loses it at times and can't walk or pick up things properly? No-one.

I might as well give up completely and accept that I am a totally useless waste of space to everyone, the sooner I kick the bucket and leave this world the better. I've just about had enough of everything and everybody. Why can't I just end everything now? I want to die the sooner the better.

I've started a forum for anyone who wants some help if you're feeling depressed or to drop by for some information ....

 http://mentalhealthhelp.proboards.com/ 

I have suffered from the stigma of mental health, don't let it get you down like it has done to me.   

14th August 2014

Went to see my doctor last night, I asked him if he had contacted my care worker and he said he had, how can someone who has a title of 'care worker' be like this. I am suffering here with everything and I just get ignored? It gets my back up and then I start getting annoyed and start taking it out on my wife, I just don't get it, why, why, why?

8th August 2014

I've actually put in a complaint about my care worker after taking some advice from Mind (a mental health charity) I've received a letter from St Georges hospital saying they are concerned at the way I am being treated and will investigate my complaint. I now feel bad because I have done this, but I am so fed up being treated the way I have been, there is one thing on my mind though, is it me that is getting paranoia over this? Or is my feelings true? I am having some doubts now.

My moods have been awful just lately, one minute okay next, well, I feel like doing something stupid. I am still having these 'lapses,' occasional 'hearing things' and occasional 'seeing things.'  Maybe it's because of the constant pain I am in every day that's making me like this, I would really like to know. I do have a doctors appointment next week, had to wait three weeks for it, things are getting worse there also. Doctor Edwards told me way back that if I have any concerns or need anything all I have to do is phone him, how can I do that he is such a busy man.

That's enough for now I am so tired 

TNT....   

5th August 2014

In the past few days I have found out a few things that have disturbed me greatly. How can a person that witnessed what I went through on a daily basis as a kid, tell someone that nothing ever happened? It was someone that I thought that loved me, but obviously didn't with the comments she made. I know for a fact that I was the result of a rape, my father raped my mother. she told me this. But my head is full of confusion and hurt. My mother saw what happened to me every day, yet she's denied all of it to my wife before she died, WHY? She know's it happened, the beatings, she didn't know about the sexual abuse, that happened after she left me alone with that scum bucket. I always thought of my mother as the one person in this world I could trust with my life, with everything I own, I was so wrong.

I saw her running away from my father with him chasing her with a 12 bore shotgun, I took a knife in my side for her when I saw him try to stab her, I helped her get away from him when I caught him in bed with my girlfriend who was only 12 years old, I kept it to myself when she split my head open when she hit me with her shoe, why would she lie? It seems to me everyone in my life has lied to me, no wonder I hate lies so much, no wonder I cannot trust anyone, no wonder I am feeling like the way I do right now. I am beginning to wonder if there is any more lies I am going to find out.

G'night

    

3rd August 2014

It's been a while since I have written anything here, I wasn't very well for a few days. Life got really bad. I was having some really bad thoughts, suicide mainly, but I didn't know why. I managed to fight them off, but the worse thing was to hide what I was going through from the wife. I had a few close calls where I nearly lost my rag with her, but managed to stop myself. 

Why am I going through all this? I know no-one can answer me but it would be nice to know the reason. I know the cause, a psychotic man for a father, the abuse he dished out every day, the beatings for the slightest little reason, sometimes no reason at all, he used to say, "just for the fun of it." I look at other people to see the signs of any other child that might be getting abused. 

Why do parents abuse their children? Yeah I was no angel, no child is really, but they have to be allowed to grow, I was never allowed that privilege. I never learnt anything from either of my parents really if the truth be known. I have never had any 'real' friends, people I can actually trust.

Trust is a big thing with me, can anyone actually say that they would trust someone with their life these days? I don't really think anyone can say that with their hand on their heart. 

Family is a different matter. Blood is different. You automatically trust your family, until they let you down, then it's even harder to regain the trust.

I started to trust my care worker, little by little, but no more, I will never trust him ever again, why? I had a meeting with him a couple of weeks ago, I was treated so badly, like a pest, even as a time waster, that is how I felt anyway. It is so difficult for me to open up fully about how I feel to anyone, to actually tell someone what I went through, to talk about something that is so disgustingly filthy to anyone, especially when the person I have to talk about is my own father, I just can't do that.

Just recently there has been a lot of stories on the news about people being abused as children, I listen to them and I think to myself, ' if only people could listen to me without me actually talking about things,' it would be so fantastic I would be so happy, if only people could actually listen to someone's mind.

I actually went out today, it's been so long since I have been out, it's an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. Firstly the fear of going out, I have managed to fight those feelings, they're not going to get the better of me again. I walked into Surbiton, easy going to Surbiton, it's downhill. On the way back I brought the wife dinner, it was nice, couldn't afford it but what the hell.

I am rambling on a bit here, I apologize for this, I am trying to keep myself occupied, firstly my heart is trying to break through my ribs, it's called an anxiety attack, only a small one, but I don't want it to grow.

Till next time ........