21st November 2014

Over the past few weeks I have been feeling really down I wish I knew why, maybe it's because it's getting near Christmas again, maybe it's because of the loneliness every day, maybe it's because of the way I've been so let down by my care worker and the system that supposed to look after people with my illnesses. I really wish I could get over these feelings, I really wish I could 'get over it,' I really wish I could forget about all that shit and get on with my life, but I don't seem to be able to do so, why can't I just put everything behind me? Why can't I find a little nook inside my feelings and hide all this shit I go through every day and get on with my life? I hate myself so much now, maybe hate is a strong word but it is the way I feel.

A little while ago I joined a group on Facebook that I was hoping would help me, I even went as far as making a forum for them, but I felt all I got was being ignored, the forum wasn't hardly used, in fact I was the only person that posted there, I was ignored again, so I lost it, I closed the forum, I un friended the people that had agreed that the forum should go ahead, (the owners of the group on Facebook) I even shut my FB account down, I felt so sick all day afterwards. How can people treat people so badly? They said they were there to help people, to make sure that the people that run the mental health service make things better, I did not see anything of that while I was there, I did keep a little secret from them though, that I was elected as a governor of the shadow council for mental health services in south west London, I gave it up as I thought it was going to get too much for me to handle but I am ready now to go back into it. They said I could reapply so I will do at the next election. 

TTFN   

17th November 2014

I am feeling really anxious today, my heart is pounding, I'm controlling my breathing and riding it out. Why? I don't know. So much is going on in my head, sometimes it all gets to much, yes I have nearly given up on several occasions.

I want to phone up my care worker, saying that, I have to speak to whoever is on duty, something I just can't do, I can't talk too well to people unless I know them, or know what they're like, so I am in a quagmire, in the shit if I do and in the shit if I don't.

One piece of good news, sort of, I have spoken to one of my brothers. The first time in a lot of years, too many I have lost count, it was amazing to actually speak to him, it made me feel good. The only downside, he is going through a lot of shit at the moment and it's exactly what I was going through six years ago. He has promised me to keep on with his counselling, I really hope he keeps that promise because it will get him through this shit he is experiencing, it might not seem like it at first, but he will get there, it just needs patience and willpower to succeed.

We have made a deal as well, he is coming to collect me in the new year so I can finally meet his fiance, she is such a wonderful person, I  spoke to her as well, she keeps my brother in check lmao.

I have been thinking about work again, I know that I can't do normal work, I know that I am unemployable unless the job center gets involved, then I could be given anything, trouble is I have this PTSD and could explode at anyone at anytime, which I did before I was diagnosed, also there's the effects of my stroke, I still have weakness in my left side, so I have been thinking about maybe looking on the net for a job working from home, I really don't know what to do. I have started a course on mental health, it's free so I hope I finish it, if I do I will get a PHD, lmao, so I will have letters after my name, even if I am getting close to 60 years old. 

10th November 2014

I am fed up with the way things are going, I am fed with being alone nearly every single day for hour after hour after hour. All I do is sit here on this computer day in day out playing games or typing words on a screen in Facebook, is that all my life is worth now? I've closed my Facebook page, I've closed the forum I spent hours making for Jade and Louise because they were not grateful in any way, they didn't even say thank you, how can people be so rude? I spent nearly three days in total doing that for them, I even spent $9:99 of my own money to change the name to make it easier to find, was there a thank you for that? No.

I have even thought about ending things again, I know I made a promise to my daughter that I wouldn't do that again, but each day it's getting harder and harder not to do it. I don't want to do it because I have come so far on the good side of things, but taking the loneliness, I can't take much more of it.

I can't get in touch with anyone at the hospital, not after that complaint I put in, I have tried to talk to Jonathon and he just doesn't want to know, I guess I can't blame him after I threatened him, but he ignored me and yet they told me lies, I know they told lies. They said they didn't receive the emails, I know that was a lie, they said he didn't get the letter, I guess could have happened, letters do go astray, but , they say they never got Dr Edwards message either, more lies, then there were the phone calls, they said there were no record of the calls, what can one believe?

I don't know what to do, I feel so confused, so bloody helpless, so damn useless, so alone at the moment.   

5th November 2014

Remember, remember the 5th of November. Not long till that time of year again, Christmas, the time of year when things are always bad for me, what can go wrong will go wrong.

Today I had to go to the doctors for some test results, firstly my blood pressure was okay, the first time since my stroke two years ago. I damaged my heart six years, when, like an idiot, I took an overdose of 347 tablets. 

Then there was the diabetes test, I am what is known as pre-diabetic, it means I am border line diabetic, no need for tablets or injections just yet, just need to watch my diet, not too much sugar and there's me scoffing a bag of mini eggs as I am writing this, there's always tomorrow.

Now a subject that I feel that is not a necessity, my care worker. I told my GP this morning the final outcome of that complaint I made. That my care worker did not receive any of my emails, my letter or my messages I left on the phone and he also never got any of the messages left by my GP either, strange isn't it? My GP's reaction was very easy to read, I won't say though.

The past couple of weeks has been quite a bad, nightmares and stupid thoughts about suicide by the bucket load, if that's possible, even a couple of flash backs during the day. When is this shit going to leave me alone. My agoraphobia is starting to play up again. I phoned my care worker, which was extremely difficult, the nerves got the better of me as usual and I forgot everything again. He was less than helpful, making me feel so damn useless. He said that I was now on standard care after my CPA review, I told him I haven't had my CPA review yet as I made a mistake with the dates, he didn't know what to say. I told my GP about this and he asked if I wanted to carry on with my care or leave it as it is, I told him there wasn't much I could do and would let him know in a couple of weeks.

Margaret hasn't been too well recently, she has been put on citalapram and she didn't even tell me, it wasn't till I found them left out on the side in the kitchen that I found out, another thing that's my fault.

Recently I have made another forum for someone, hoping that it would be well used, but so far there is about eight members of the forum but no posts from anyone. I will give it another couple of weeks, then I will delete it. I am not happy it took me two full days works to set the bloody thing up and I haven't even had so much as a thank you. it makes me so bloody angry.

TTFN.       

Little Boxes by Pete Seeger