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2nd September 2014

I have received a letter about my complaint about my care worker, I feel really let down. In some ways I feel they're calling me a liar, in other ways I feel let down. They apologize to me for him, for the way he treated me, but then they turn round and say that they checked his voice mail on his phone and that is working properly, there is no sign of my messages, so what? Are they calling me a liar? Are they saying I didn't try to contact him? I did, twice. 
Then they say about his emails, 'oh I'm sorry,' he said 'he don't check emails,' what? He don't check his emails? What the hell has he got an email account for then? Jeez what the hell. Then there's the letter I sent in to him, the wife said she posted it for me, of course I do believe her, but he turns round and says he didn't receive no letter from me.
Then there's the message from my GP that he told me himself that he sent, I told them about it, but there is no mention of that in the letter of bullshit, so, today I contacted the lady that dealt with my complaint and asked about the message from my GP? She said she will find out about it as it was obviously missed out.
I will have to wait and see the outcome about that, I also asked if I still had a care worker? I don't really know if I do.  

September! This is a month of mixed emotions for me, a month I really wish did not exist, the good bits are it is one of my grand daughters' third birthday. It' is my youngest daughters' twenty ninth birthday.
Bad bits, it will be my sisters' forty seventh birthday, we haven't spoke for so many years I've forgotten when the last time was when we spoke, which really I don't give a shit about anyway. It would have been my mothers' birthday on the thirtieth. I always hate whenever there's something to do with my mother, those special days, it upsets me so much, but all I get is 'oh you should be over it by now.' 

They say time heals, that is such bullshit, time does not heal at all. I will never get over my mothers' death, to watch as the doctor turned off the life support, the fact that I talked her into having that heart bypass operation because she was suffering so much from angina, the fact that I got several texts from my mothers' mobile phone, some calling me a murderer, some warning me to stay away from my own mothers' funeral or I would be put six foot under as well.

T o be perfectly honest, I feel like I did murder my mother, though I didn't, but those words, 'you murderer' sticks, it goes around in my head whenever I look at my mother's pictures, whenever I think about her. I want to remember her so much, but I can't, not how I should anyway.