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Monday

3rd August 2014

It's been a while since I have written anything here, I wasn't very well for a few days. Life got really bad. I was having some really bad thoughts, suicide mainly, but I didn't know why. I managed to fight them off, but the worse thing was to hide what I was going through from the wife. I had a few close calls where I nearly lost my rag with her, but managed to stop myself. 
Why am I going through all this? I know no-one can answer me but it would be nice to know the reason. I know the cause, a psychotic man for a father, the abuse he dished out every day, the beatings for the slightest little reason, sometimes no reason at all, he used to say, "just for the fun of it." I look at other people to see the signs of any other child that might be getting abused. 
Why do parents abuse their children? Yeah I was no angel, no child is really, but they have to be allowed to grow, I was never allowed that privilege. I never learnt anything from either of my parents really if the truth be known. I have never had any 'real' friends, people I can actually trust.
Trust is a big thing with me, can anyone actually say that they would trust someone with their life these days? I don't really think anyone can say that with their hand on their heart. 
Family is a different matter. Blood is different. You automatically trust your family, until they let you down, then it's even harder to regain the trust.
I started to trust my care worker, little by little, but no more, I will never trust him ever again, why? I had a meeting with him a couple of weeks ago, I was treated so badly, like a pest, even as a time waster, that is how I felt anyway. It is so difficult for me to open up fully about how I feel to anyone, to actually tell someone what I went through, to talk about something that is so disgustingly filthy to anyone, especially when the person I have to talk about is my own father, I just can't do that.
Just recently there has been a lot of stories on the news about people being abused as children, I listen to them and I think to myself, ' if only people could listen to me without me actually talking about things,' it would be so fantastic I would be so happy, if only people could actually listen to someone's mind.
I actually went out today, it's been so long since I have been out, it's an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. Firstly the fear of going out, I have managed to fight those feelings, they're not going to get the better of me again. I walked into Surbiton, easy going to Surbiton, it's downhill. On the way back I brought the wife dinner, it was nice, couldn't afford it but what the hell.
I am rambling on a bit here, I apologize for this, I am trying to keep myself occupied, firstly my heart is trying to break through my ribs, it's called an anxiety attack, only a small one, but I don't want it to grow.

Till next time ........