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21st July 2014

Today, I got a text from my daughter informing me that it is my grand daughters' leaving assembly, I started to cry. I have let her down yet again. A few days ago my grand daughters' school put on their production of Willy wonka's chocolate factory, she texted me a couple of days before, saying, she wanted for me to go so much, I had to say no, I had to let her down, I couldn't face the fact of so many people being around me. Then there was the school sports day, I couldn't go to that either, now, her leaving assembly! I am a useless bastard, all I do all day is sit on my arse on my computer, or doing fuck all, why don't I just put an end to it, I am no good to anyone, at least I'd be out of the way of everyone.
I have so far sent three emails to my care worker, no replies, when I phoned, he was away for a few days, he didn't even tell me, I was talking to my doctor on Friday, he said he would contact him, still nothing. 
I'm not sleeping properly, I am exhausted, I want so much to end things right now, I don't care who knows it either, the nightmares have returned when I do grab a couple of hours, the flashbacks are getting strong again, how much more can I take? Not a lot more ...............