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Saturday

7th June 2014

For a couple of days now I have been fighting voices, voices that I used to have years ago telling me things, like, to harm myself, why should I? At the moment I am in a good place and I don't want that to end. 
People think that voices that tell them to do things come from inside their head, people who say this are fakes, they do not come from inside your head, they come from around you, like someone is actually talking to you.
I have also been having some nasty nights again, nightmares and pain, I just wish that the person that caused me so much pain in the past was alive today because I would kill him, I would take a very large knife and keep plunging in him until my thirst for revenge was quenched, but the bastard died twelve years ago and he still has a hold over me, one I can't break, if only I could, I can still hear him, I can still smell that chemical smell that followed him because he worked at Beechams, I can still hear him calling me useless, I can still feel the pain of the constant beatings just for the fun of it, he used to say, I was no angel as a kid, but I would never beat a kid with a walking stick or a broom handle and the many other things that were used on me.
People say 'you should leave the past behind' I really wish I could, I try very hard to put those memories away somewhere that I can block them out of my life forever. I did do that somehow up to about six years ago when I got attacked by some drunk. It was like something went bang in my head and everything came flooding back. Sometimes I find it so difficult to cope, I want to lash out at everyone, it's like I am blaming everyone around me, so far I haven't done anything like that though.
Can anyone say in all honesty that they have absolutely no friends? no-one that they can call in the night just to talk to? or to go to the pub for a drink and a laugh? Well, I can, I used to have a few friends but now I have nobody. Alone in a world without friends, the original Harry no mates.
I have family, a very good family, except for an eldest daughter that don't give a shit, I wonder if I was dead would she give a shit? I really doubt it. At least my other daughter is around and talking to me.

Until next time ....