17th June 2014
Yesterday I went to Tolworth hospital to see my care co-ordinator. I had so much I wanted say but I got there and my memory gave out, I forgot what I wanted to say, I tried so hard to remember, but I just couldn't remember and I was made to feel like a total waste of space, a time waster and was told that they will have to tighten up on my care plan, I asked if that meant they were thinking of releasing me from their care? I really didn't get an answer to that question.
Now there is only one adult that is around me that I can talk to, someone that cares enough to talk to me everyday and not give up on me, yes, there are others, but they're not here with me and they also have their own lives to deal with, yes, that one person also has their own life, they have kids to deal with, but the difference is, they're here, a real person, a real face, instead of words on a screen, yes I appreciate those words on a screen but they are just that, words on a screen.
How do I really feel now? I feel worse now than I have done for a long time, do I feel like doing something stupid? To be perfectly honest, the feeling of doing something stupid is there and yes I do want to end things, but what about my grandchildren? I want to see my eldest grandchild go to her 'big' school, I want to see the middle one start school, both in September and I want to see the youngest, even though he is a little terror, he makes me smile. I want to see him grow up, they are the only things that are keeping me going at the moment.
My other grandchildren and daughter are no longer in contact with me due to the fact of her misunderstanding what I wrote to her, due to the fact not responding when I gave her a chance to talk, and the final straw was this fathers day, not a card, not a call, not even a text, so from this day forward they don't even exist anymore to me, harsh? No I don't think so, she has lied so many times to me and her mother, I am so fed up with her childish rants throughout the years, I have told her to grow up, it's about time she did and act her age not her shoe size.
The stroke I had in December 2012 damaged the part of my brain that controls memory. My short term memory is total shite. My wife could tell me something and within a couple of hours, sooner sometimes, I have forgotten what she has told me. I have made myself a cup of tea, walked away, and there it sits, forgotten about. I still can remember things that happened years ago, ask me something someone said, or what I done yesterday or a few minutes ago in some cases I just can't remember. How can I remember yesterday at the hospital I hear you thinking? Well it has been kept burning into me since it happened, it has made me upset how I was treated and I am still upset about it.
Can't write anymore at the moment.
Till next time ..................