In Questa Vita ("In This Life") - by Jennifer Muhawi, featuring Mete Tas...

23rd June 2014

The weekend has past, it was a real bad time for me.

On Monday last week I went to see my care co-ordinator, since my stroke I have short term memory loss, I totally forgot what I was going to say. as I said in my last entry, (I had to check my last entry as I forgot what I wrote,) it played on my mind so much, it made me really feel annoyed and angry for ages. 
As I was feeling so bad you can imagine what was happening at night, damn nightmares again also some real weird dreams. Then there were the dark thoughts, suicide, self harm, I so wanted to go down that road again, I found it so hard to battle those feelings, I wanted to end things one moment, then there was the self harming, when I done it last time I surprised everyone, even the doctors. They told me that they had never heard of anyone of my age self harming, but it made me feel good, it took away all the dark thoughts I was having at the time. I was going to work with blood dripping off my fingers. I used a scalpel to cut myself, at the time I didn't even realize at the time what I was doing, I just wanted to feel that feeling again.
My eldest daughter still ain't contacted me, not a text, not a card for father's day, nothing, It hurts so much. After all I have done for her and she treats me like this. Well that's it, I ain't going to worry about her anymore, easier said than done though.     

I never spoke to my wife for the whole of this past weekend unless I really had to. I felt she had disrespected me on Friday, she was babysitting our grandchildren, she told me she would be home as soon as my daughter got home, she didn't do that and was late, getting home at 8pm. Somehow it just got to me, it made me feel like she didn't care, that she didn't want me around, I felt awful. 
Now I am feeling like hitting the streets, just walking out and not coming back, go to sleep on a railway track somewhere.

The battle is going on inside of me

17th June 2014

Yesterday I went to Tolworth hospital to see my care co-ordinator. I had so much I wanted say but I got there and my memory gave out, I forgot what I wanted to say, I tried so hard to remember, but I just couldn't remember and I was made to feel like a total waste of space, a time waster and was told that they will have to tighten up on my care plan, I asked if that meant they were thinking of releasing me from their care? I really didn't get an answer to that question.

Now there is only one adult that is around me that I can talk to, someone that cares enough to talk to me everyday and not give up on me, yes, there are others, but they're not here with me and they also have their own lives to deal with, yes, that one person also has their own life, they have kids to deal with, but the difference is, they're here, a real person, a real face, instead of words on a screen, yes I appreciate those words on a screen but they are just that, words on a screen.

How do I really feel now? I feel worse now than I have done for a long time, do I feel like doing something stupid? To be perfectly honest, the feeling of doing something stupid is there and yes I do want to end things, but what about my grandchildren? I want to see my eldest grandchild go to her 'big' school, I want to see the middle one start school, both in September and I want to see the youngest, even though he is a little terror, he makes me smile. I want to see him grow up, they are the only things that are keeping me going at the moment. 

My other grandchildren and daughter are no longer in contact with me due to the fact of her misunderstanding what I wrote to her, due to the fact not responding when I gave her a chance to talk, and the final straw was this fathers day, not a card, not a call, not even a text, so from this day forward they don't even exist anymore to me, harsh? No I don't think so, she has lied so many times to me and her mother, I am so fed up with her childish rants throughout the years, I have told her to grow up, it's about time she did and act her age not her shoe size.

The stroke I had in December 2012 damaged the part of my brain that controls memory. My short term memory is total shite. My wife could tell me something and within a couple of hours, sooner sometimes, I have forgotten what she has told me. I have made myself a cup of tea, walked away, and there it sits, forgotten about. I still can remember things that happened years ago, ask me something someone said, or what I done yesterday or a few minutes ago in some cases I just can't remember. How can I remember yesterday at the hospital I hear you thinking? Well it has been kept burning into me since it happened, it has made me upset how I was treated and I am still upset about it.

Can't write anymore at the moment.

Till next time .................. 

13th June 2014

It's Friday 13th, mum was so superstitious of things like this, I remember her not walking under ladders either, how I wish she was here. 

I am feeling so low at the moment, the other half is away at my daughters for the weekend, so I am alone with my thoughts, thoughts that I don't want to have, I just wish I could stop them, thoughts of death, thoughts of hatred, thoughts of how I talked my mother into having an operation that killed her, thoughts of turning off her life support, thoughts of the text messages I received calling me a murderer, I wish they would stop, why can't I stop them, I did it before, surely I can do it again, but I don't know how.

Maybe it'll pass 

11th June 2014

Had a damn awful night last night, bloody nightmares, I hate them, so vivid, so believable that I feel the pain. People, I think, feel I am living too much in the past, but I ask this, 'would you be able to stop these feelings I feel every day of my life, the pain I feel even though nothing or no one is there to inflict it, the flashbacks that are so real it feels like I am there reliving the very moments I am seeing, the nightmares, again so real, it feels like I am there all over again, reliving the beatings with a walking stick, a broom handle, coat hangers, fists, work boots and anything else that was close to hand and 'just for the fun of it' my fathers' words, not mine, he even stabbed me.

Then there was the sexual abuse, I was forced to do things to my so-called father, the man who was supposed to be there to protect me, not to do these things that I am still feeling today. In those days nothing was done to help children like there is today, he was reported to the NSPCC by a neighbour who suspected something was going on, when they arrived they just told him to go out more and not to worry about the report. I still hear him laughing as they walked back to their car. 

No one cared, teachers, the NSPCC, people around me, no one at all, until I done something to get out of that hell, I got into trouble with the police, when I told them why I done what I did, they immediately put me into protective care till I was eighteen, I still had to answer for what I done, but it was great in care, I started to live a little, I started to have fun for the first time in my life with other kids, that was something else I never was allowed to have, friends, no wonder I don't know how to make friends, even now, and I am 57.

Writing this has made me feel a little better, but it will never end so don't judge me. Here's a poem I wrote several years ago in one of those dark times I often have, I wrote so much about life, a life of hatred and pain, anyway please read this with an open heart and I hope if any of you have kids, maybe, just maybe, you might think twice before you smack them for something, or if you want to shout and scream at someone, please don't, it can have some serious consequences .....

 There's to much to deal,

With all the pain inside,

All the suffering to feel.

Like a cut smiling wide.

Slap after slap,

Kick after kick,

I take all the abuse

Though it makes me sick.

Nobody would care,

How my life should fare,

Never be hast

On a life to waste.

I deal with the torture,

Like an abused creature

Blood red as cherries,

Obscures my every feature.

God help me, Dear Jesus,

Please make it end

It hurts me too much

This father I cannot fend.

I think to myself,

"When will it end,

When shall it be over,

God please tell me when."

A knife flashes through my skin,

Laughing in my face,

It's my death he hopes to win

But I struggle just in case.

I know I've had enough,

As the scarlet blood drips,

From every cut on my body,

I taste it on my lips.

I do not scream, nor wince, or yell,

I feel the agony like flames of hell,

I'll never show a sign of fear

Though I can feel death is near.

Death is coming near,

I have nothing to fear,

Nothing to be afraid of,

Now death is here.

This is for all the abused children in the world, past and present, I was lucky many are not.

7th June 2014

For a couple of days now I have been fighting voices, voices that I used to have years ago telling me things, like, to harm myself, why should I? At the moment I am in a good place and I don't want that to end. 

People think that voices that tell them to do things come from inside their head, people who say this are fakes, they do not come from inside your head, they come from around you, like someone is actually talking to you.

I have also been having some nasty nights again, nightmares and pain, I just wish that the person that caused me so much pain in the past was alive today because I would kill him, I would take a very large knife and keep plunging in him until my thirst for revenge was quenched, but the bastard died twelve years ago and he still has a hold over me, one I can't break, if only I could, I can still hear him, I can still smell that chemical smell that followed him because he worked at Beechams, I can still hear him calling me useless, I can still feel the pain of the constant beatings just for the fun of it, he used to say, I was no angel as a kid, but I would never beat a kid with a walking stick or a broom handle and the many other things that were used on me.

People say 'you should leave the past behind' I really wish I could, I try very hard to put those memories away somewhere that I can block them out of my life forever. I did do that somehow up to about six years ago when I got attacked by some drunk. It was like something went bang in my head and everything came flooding back. Sometimes I find it so difficult to cope, I want to lash out at everyone, it's like I am blaming everyone around me, so far I haven't done anything like that though.

Can anyone say in all honesty that they have absolutely no friends? no-one that they can call in the night just to talk to? or to go to the pub for a drink and a laugh? Well, I can, I used to have a few friends but now I have nobody. Alone in a world without friends, the original Harry no mates.

I have family, a very good family, except for an eldest daughter that don't give a shit, I wonder if I was dead would she give a shit? I really doubt it. At least my other daughter is around and talking to me.

Until next time ....

  

  

1st June 2014

We are half way through another year and it's downhill from now on till Christmas. So many people put so much emphasis on a time of year that is supposed a time for giving pleasure and happiness instead it's a time of year that has always brought me sadness and pain, everything bad happens to me at that time of year and I really do hate Christmas with a passion.

Anyway my last blog was totally misunderstood by my eldest daughter and she has taken a big strop on with me because of it and if I am totally honest, I really don't give a shit about it. I know what I meant in that blog and and it was the truth. Maybe I am being a little harsh with her, but she always has gone off on one since she was a child about anything and everything, she is now 30 years old now and should really grow out of throwing wobbleys at people, especially me, because she don't understand something and takes it the wrong way instead of talking or asking the person what they mean.

I have been ill for a few days, somehow I have picked up a chest infection, that's my diagnosis anyway but someone keeps on moaning at me to go to the doctors. It's only a chest infection and I have got an awful cough, I sound like I'm on 100 cigarettes a day, I've also strained something from coughing, but go to a doctors? I don't think so, they're busy enough without me going with a little cough.

My moods have improved so much over the last few weeks, except when I am alone, I just hate being alone, my thoughts take over whatever I'm trying to do, loneliness is a killer for me. Last time I wrote here I was going through a bad couple of days, but I never give up, I fight the thoughts of suicide, I fight the thoughts of harming myself, I have to admit I still have nightmares and flashbacks but not so frequent, between them I do have some real weird dreams of things that have recently happened. 

My youngest daughter has moved into a new house, it is great, and she is so happy with it. Yesterday I  visited her and had a little accident, I dropped a hot cup of tea on my lap, burning a certain part of my anatomy, jumping up and dropping my pants in front of her patio doors, luckily for me that there was no-one was outside at the time, they would have had such a huge shock seeing my fat ass on show. then I had to travel on two buses to get home with soaked, sticky pants from the tea, embarrassing to say the least.

Until next time ......