8th May 2014
Yesterday I went to my GP, told him about my swollen legs and feet yet again, they've been like it now for 18 months, guess what? More bloody tablets, I have tried tablets, I have tried support socks, nothing has bloody worked.
I got to go back to have more blood tests on the 19th May, the last lot showed my blood sugar level was high, 6.8, normal got to be below 6, they showed problems with my liver, that is the second time that has shown up.
I want to cut my legs off, I have got the implements to do it and maybe when I get really peed off one day I will attempt to do it, like today I am so peed off, I can feel my stress levels are so high because my head is throbbing, I can hear my heart beating in my ears.
Also when I go back to have more blood tests,I have got to have a 24 hour heart monitor fitted to me, because my blood pressure keeps going up, not surprising really with all the shit I am going through.
I am actually thinking about leaving, live on the streets, be alone, then I can do what I like, if I want to cut my frigging legs off there is no one to stop me, I lived on the streets many years ago for a short while.
Maybe I should start drinking to calm this stress down, it helped before when I was a lot younger, that is why I don't drink now I guess, because of the problems it causes and I don't want to use my problems as an excuse like some people I have seen.
What am I to do? I really don't want any more shit, the pressure is just unbearable, maybe my body will be kind to me and give me another stroke, when I had the last one, everything that is in my head left me alone, but when I really started to recover the shit came back, I was told that it would happen.
What am I to do? Suicide seems a good option right now, but I made a promise not to go there again to my daughter, I can't break a promise can I?