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Wednesday

21st May 2014

I have been having seriously bad thoughts again, why am I having such thoughts again? My life has returned to what is was like just before I tried hard, but not hard enough, to end my life. Both my daughters have once again turned against me, I am wondering if they really did care as much as they have told me they did. 
I was talking to my eldest daughter about twenty four hour doctor cover around where she lives, she told me there isn't any, I copped the hump and said that there has to be and asked why she would lie about such a thing, I have caught her out in so many lies before. I was worried about my grandson more than anything as he has twice had open heart surgery and had a mechanical valve fitted, he is nearly eight years old, I am allowed to worry about him, aren't I? Not only him though my other two grandchildren, one of which one has very bad eczema, she ain't spoke to me since.
My youngest daughter is also not talking to me now it seems. I have asked her three times up to this week, why is my eldest daughter not talking to me? To be honest I just cannot understand her and why she ain't talking to me, she is just being so childish as usual, I only asked just in case she had told my youngest daughter, she took this totally the wrong way and told me to stop having goes at her and not to text her anymore. Again I was just worried, but that too was wrong. 
A while ago, I made a promise to my youngest daughter that I would never try to take my life again, I guess that no longer exists as she has turned her back on me. 
I am alone once again, my wife does try to understand, she tries so hard at times, bless her, but she leaves me alone most days, the only contact, an occasional text. Loneliness is something I have dealt with all my life. I just don't like the loneliness, to me it is my killer. When I am alone my thoughts take over, thoughts of the pain that has caused me to be diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder, the nightmares, the flashbacks, thoughts that seem so real I can still feel the pain as if they are happening now.
The only way I have found to release these thoughts is to write, but even that has become so difficult now. I did try to rejoin a website that I spent many hours of enjoyment writing, I decided to try and join under a different name, but the owner, whom knows me so well, caught me out, so I haven't been back, just because of the embarrassment of it all.
I sit here today wondering why people who you love so much, can hurt you so bad? Recently, I have had several blood tests, which showed my sugar levels are raised, my liver is damaged, I guess from the massive overdose I took a while back, stupid I know but I just couldn't cope anymore. I had a heart monitor fitted for twenty four hours which shows my heart misses a beat every so often, and it's beating extremely fast, so I guess I ain't got long on this earth now, but who gives a shit? Not a single living sole. No-one here even cares, so with some luck my heart gives out soon and I join my wonderful mother, where ever she may be.

Bye for now.    

Thursday

8th May 2014

Yesterday I went to my GP, told him about my swollen legs and feet yet again, they've been like it now for 18 months, guess what? More bloody tablets, I have tried tablets, I have tried support socks, nothing has bloody worked.
I got to go back to have more blood tests on the 19th May, the last lot showed my blood sugar level was high, 6.8, normal got to be below 6, they showed problems with my liver, that is the second time that has shown up.
I want to cut my legs off, I have got the implements to do it and maybe when I get really peed off one day I will attempt to do it, like today I am so peed off, I can feel my stress levels are so high because my head is throbbing, I can hear my heart beating in my ears.
Also when I go back to have more blood tests,I have got to have a 24 hour heart monitor fitted to me, because my blood pressure keeps going up, not surprising really with all the shit I am going through.
I am actually thinking about leaving, live on the streets, be alone, then I can do what I like, if I want to cut my frigging legs off there is no one to stop me, I lived on the streets many years ago for a short while. 
Maybe I should start drinking to calm this stress down, it helped before when I was a lot younger, that is why I don't drink now I guess, because of the problems it causes and I don't want to use my problems as an excuse like some people I have seen.
What am I to do? I really don't want any more shit, the pressure is just unbearable, maybe my body will be kind to me and give me another stroke, when I had the last one, everything that is in my head left me alone, but when I really started to recover the shit came back, I was told that it would happen.
 What am I to do? Suicide seems a good option right now, but I made a promise not to go there again to my daughter, I can't break a promise can I?