2nd April 2014

Another year of my life has past, I am now 57, closing in fast on the big 60 and yet I am still going through a load of shit in my life. Been having some weird dreams lately, they seem so real, one I recall where I had a job, everything was going wrong, I couldn't even clock in. Why I was dreaming of such a stupid event, I really don't know. 

I wonder what each day will bring, lately, things ain't been too bad, although saying that my anxiety problems keep rising up, I just fight it, mostly I win, but sometimes it does get too much, that is when I get snappy.

The wife's new job seems to be going well, she seems happy, but it's early days still. 

I was thinking about my mother a few nights ago, life is still hard to take on that, I miss her so much, if I could I would go visit her grave but it's still too far for me to go at the moment.

I have also been thinking about my father. I wonder what drives a man to abuse a child so much, I had to put up with so much as a kid, I wish I could get my revenge for all he done to me, I hate that man so much. 

I see on television about all the abuse cases coming out against these celebrities, I have been so shocked at all of it. What bothers me though is these people asking why no-one has said anything before now, if these people where on the receiving end of abuse of any kind, they would definitely understand the reason why they haven't said anything, I can wrap it all up in one word, and that word is FEAR. I couldn't say anything about my abuse, sexual, mental and physical until he was dead, the fear was just too much for me to bear, just the thought of saying anything was just too much. Until someone actually feels that fear they just don't know what is like.