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Monday

28th April 2014

A crap weekend has past, the whole family at one time or another was being sick. I had a awful headache, I seem to be getting them a lot lately. Is it something I should be worried about? I wonder. I am so tired lately and so thirsty all the time, sometimes my throat and mouth get so dry I can't even swallow, what's next I keep asking myself, death? Maybe that's a good option.

Thursday

24th April 2014

Watching Eastenders earlier on television, I got a little upset, I don't know why but I did. I went to the kitchen to sort out my delivery of my medication, as I sorted it, I started to think about my mother, I still blame myself for her death as it was me that talked her into having the bypass operation that killed her. Then I got those texts calling me a murderer from my mothers' phone, maybe I am, that thought has stayed with me since she died on December 16th 2004, when the operation I talked her into having, to help her feel better, went wrong and killed her. I know that the operation went wrong, maybe something made it go wrong to teach me a lesson, they say you cannot escape karma, maybe I done something so wrong that I am being paid back for it, all in one go, with everything that has happened to me. 
After I done my medication, I started the washing up, when the wife came out and asked me what was wrong, or should I say she shouted at me, so I told her, I said, "I killed my mother, didn't I?" she wasn't too pleased to say the least.
I thought I was over this, I thought I was on the road to recovery, obviously I was wrong.
I am beginning to wonder if I will ever get over this PTSD, there is never an answer to this, I am told it could be years, or maybe even never. It is times like these that I begin to wonder if life is worth living? Can I put up with these thoughts? Can those thoughts ever be suppressed so I don't have them anymore? No-one can give me any truthful answers, I still have the nightmares, I still have flashbacks, 
Can I take much more of this crap? To be honest I really don't know.  

THE FORTUNES - YOU'VE GOT YOUR TROUBLES

Tuesday

Biological Discovery Inside the Chernobyl Reactor, page 1

Biological Discovery Inside the Chernobyl Reactor, page 1
15th April 2013

I was remembering when I was attacked today, the scumbag who felt it was right to attack someone when he was drunk, why do people do this? I doubt he even realizes that I haven't been able to work since, I have had enough of the pain, I have enough of not being able to go to the toilet without feeling pain, I have enlarged prostate, I wish I was dead, easy to say, easy to do, but I would not find it easy to upset my family. 
My wife seems to think that I should be better by now, I am still under hospital care, although they only have to know if I need them,they are a phone call away, my care worker doesn't even know how I am feeling.
I had an 'incident' on dear old Facebook earlier. My brother had made a little joke about having a stroke, me being in such a grotty mood had to get my point across, which my dear brother understood. But some a/hole decided to put his two pennyworth in and have a go at me. as I said I am in a grotty mood today and had to have a go back, wrong I know, normally I just ignore pricks like him, but not this time
Life is such crap I have just about had enough.   

Thursday

10th April 2014

A couple of days ago I collapsed. I have been getting real bad pains on the right side of my head, just above the temple, once I was reduced to tears because of the pain. Since I collapsed I haven't a bad pain there, but I do get niggling pain in the same place.
I am still having weird dreams and nightmares, I keep seeing shadows moving around, even had one that darkened the whole room momentarily, it was horrible. I hear you asking,  "do you believe in ghosts?" The answer is "Yes I do, because I saw my uncle's ghost when I was a child," but these ain't ghosts, they are shadows.
I am keeping myself under control, I am trying so hard to keep control, which I have to add sometimes it is so bloody difficult, I still have fear of things I am fighting these fears every day, I still have flashbacks, not so often now, but still there.
PTSD is an illness that I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy, at the moment I am calm, but who knows how I will be tomorrow, or the day after, that is the problem, it lets you have a few calm days then, bang, it hits you again.
So till next time.  

Monday

7th April 2014

When I am feeling bad I try to smile through things and mess about with the wife, joking about, having a laugh etc, it helps me make it through the day. Yesterday she has a go at me for no reason at all, so I told her that I would keep quiet, we never spoke all day. About 15:00 I accidentally knock a cup of coffee out of her hand with a cushion, which I threw on to the couch, I did it with my left hand, which ain't the best because of my stroke, she calls me a bully and she should have kicked me out years ago, well I saw red, it took all my strength to not kick off, I was fuming, I wanted to really kick off, but I knew if I did I would do something stupid, I am still angry this morning, what am I to do? Do I walk and leave her? She'll be evicted from her home onto the streets, I can't do that.
The thoughts in my head keep going round, kill myself, to get out of this world, I want to do this more than ever now. I made a promise to my daughter that I wouldn't do that again, but each day that passes it gets harder to keep that promise, I know that it seems to be the easy way out, but if that is the way she feels, then we will see. 
I'm not going to do anything stupid at the moment, I have control enough to stop myself doing anything stupid, but my ptsd is getting a hold of me again, my depression is starting to rise again, I couldn't stop myself last night from getting a little upset, she didn't see it.
I am done giving up, it is always me that gives in and apologizes first, even when I have done nothing wrong, well not this time. 
I have had enough.   

Wednesday

2nd April 2014

Another year of my life has past, I am now 57, closing in fast on the big 60 and yet I am still going through a load of shit in my life. Been having some weird dreams lately, they seem so real, one I recall where I had a job, everything was going wrong, I couldn't even clock in. Why I was dreaming of such a stupid event, I really don't know. 
I wonder what each day will bring, lately, things ain't been too bad, although saying that my anxiety problems keep rising up, I just fight it, mostly I win, but sometimes it does get too much, that is when I get snappy.
The wife's new job seems to be going well, she seems happy, but it's early days still. 
I was thinking about my mother a few nights ago, life is still hard to take on that, I miss her so much, if I could I would go visit her grave but it's still too far for me to go at the moment.
I have also been thinking about my father. I wonder what drives a man to abuse a child so much, I had to put up with so much as a kid, I wish I could get my revenge for all he done to me, I hate that man so much. 
I see on television about all the abuse cases coming out against these celebrities, I have been so shocked at all of it. What bothers me though is these people asking why no-one has said anything before now, if these people where on the receiving end of abuse of any kind, they would definitely understand the reason why they haven't said anything, I can wrap it all up in one word, and that word is FEAR. I couldn't say anything about my abuse, sexual, mental and physical until he was dead, the fear was just too much for me to bear, just the thought of saying anything was just too much. Until someone actually feels that fear they just don't know what is like.