27th March 2014

It has been a few days since I last wrote here. Yesterday I had to go for some blood tests to out if my kidneys, liver and cholesterol were doing, also one for diabetes. I am also going to have some tests for vascular dementia as I am having a lot of symptoms to suggest that I may have this.

I will be gaining another year in three days times, jeez I am getting old, but as least I still have my hair and most of my teeth.

Things are still quite rough at the moment, I am still having trouble walking, and my legs and feet are are still swollen, I feel like getting a saw and chopping them off at times.

I thought I would add some poetry that I have wrote over the last six years, though I have to add that since I wrote to first one, some of my family (brothers and sister) have been in touch with me and we are fine now .....

 16^th December 2009

Why do I still feel so angry?

Why do I still feel so sad?

Why is my heart still breaking?

Why do I still feel so bad?

My mother died five years ago today,

How I wish she did stay,

I watched her die on that fateful day,

I wish I could join her, on this Earth I don't want to stay.

Maybe my father was right,

Maybe I should never fight,

He tried to end my life more than once,

Then I wouldn't feel this strife.

I really hate this time of year called Christmas,

Everything bad always happens to me,

I can't be happy, all I do is cry,

What have I done that is so wrong, all I want to do is die.

This life I really want to leave,

The pain I feel hurts so much,

I want to end my life right now, right away,

To feel my mother's love that I cannot touch.

I was accused of her murder,

What I done was right,

I wasn't allowed to go to her funeral,

This I received by text the same night.

I sit on my chair,

A blade against my arm,

How can I do this?

How can I do myself harm?

I just want the pain I feel to stop,

I want the guilt to go away,

My family has turned against me,

Five years to the day.

I sit here alone and sad,

No one around me to talk or care,

The silence is unbearable,

Maybe I should be elsewhere.

I don't want to go on in this life,

I really am a fool,

I watch as the blood flows,

                     Goodbye cruel world I really did love you though you made me feel small.                                           

~~xXx~~

I feel alone in this world, no one understands me,

I’m on the edge, I’m about to jump, can’t anyone see?

I’m invisible to this world, and everyone in it,

All I am is a tiny little speck on a big huge planet,

My only friend in this world is the darkness of night,

It’s only here for awhile, but it makes things alright,

My friends and my family have all gone away,

They pretended to help, but they wouldn’t stay,

They said that they’d help me, they said that they’d be there,

But in the end, when I really needed them, they didn’t care,

They told me they’ve tried, but they’ve given up on me now,

They left me alone to figure life out some how,

I don’t trust my self to do what is right,

But then comes darkness again, everything will be alright,

Darkness is not happy, but it’s better than light,

It shows me the truth of my everyday life,

It asks me the question of why I’m still here,

But deep in my heart, the answers not clear,

Why am I still here, when my life is nothing but pain,

The darkness, it tells me, I have nothing to gain,

I don’t know when, but the day will come,

When I leave, and say, goodbye to everyone,

The day will be sad, but it wont last long,

People will go on living as if nothing was wrong,

But nothing was wrong, because i was never really there,

Same as before, all I’ll be is a whisper in the air.

~~xXx~~

There's to much to deal,

With all the pain inside,

All the suffering to feel.

Like a cut smiling wide.

Slap after slap,

Kick after kick,

I take all the abuse

Though it makes me sick.

Nobody would care,

How my life should fare,

Never be hast

On a life to waste.

I deal with the torture,

Like an abused creature

Blood red as cherries,

Obscures my every feature.

God help me, Dear Jesus,

Please make it end

It hurts me too much

This father I cannot fend.

I think to myself,

"When will it end,

When shall it be over,

God please tell me when."

A knife flashes through my skin,

Laughing in my face,

It's my death he hopes to win

But I struggle just in case.

I know I've had enough,

As the scarlet blood drips,

From every cut on my body,

I taste it on my lips.

I do not scream, nor wince, or yell,

I feel the agony like flames of hell,

I'll never show a sign of fear

Though I can feel death is near.

Death is coming near,

I have nothing to fear,

Nothing to be afraid of,

Now death is here.

This is for all the abused children in the world, past and present, I was lucky many are not.

~~xXx~~

When I was still too young to know,
You did to me what things you would.
The pain that I would undergo
Came later, once I understood.

*

You did to me what things you would
While I lay numb and still. The hate
Came later, once I understood
The sorrow that you came to sate.

*

While I lay numb and still, the hate
Arose in you as love, as need.
The sorrow that you came to sate
Then passed between us in your seed.

*

Arose in you as love, as need
To undergo yourself in me,
Then passed between us in your seed,
Became your lasting legacy.

*

To undergo yourself in me,
The damage that you did inside
Became your lasting legacy.
It wasn't over when you died.

~~xXx~~

My life is in my hands,

It runs through my fingers like grains of sand,

Sometimes slowly,

Sometimes fast,

The worst is when I sit and think of the past.

Shall I end it now?

Or shall I carry on?

I hold a knife looking at the blade,

Of death I'm not afraid.

So many times I say good-bye,

So many times I wish I could fly,

Life is precious, this I know,

Alone I am, my pain always grows.

“Should I end it now?” I hear myself ask,

Or should I continue to wear my mask,

I smile, I laugh, I sit and I cry,

My life is no good, it is all just a lie.

 ~~xXx~~

As you can see I went through some real crap and sometimes I was going through some dark places, I am a lot better than I was in those days, I still have my bad days, but as usual I just smile and get on with it, I just wish that 'normal' people would understand more. Life with mental health isn't always someone going out and killing someone, sometimes it's just that a person just needs someone to say you'll be okay, or to give a little love, or even a visit just to say hello, have a cuppa and a natter, it's not difficult for people to make a difference and 99% of people with mental health issues ain't going to kill you.

20th March 2014

Went to the doctors yesterday, been signed off for six months, I just hate being off work. I am in my sixth year now out of work, my post traumatic stress is still with me. My depression seems to be mostly under control, I still have my 'low' days and I still get snappy and a bit of a grump.

It's my 57th birthday in ten days, and I have been reflecting on my life. The only time I have actually been happy is since I have been with my wife, children and grandchildren, we've been together for thirty two years on April 1st, what a date for an anniversary, 

Anyway, back to my doctors visit. My feet and legs are still swollen, it's been over a year now, they make walking so difficult at times, the build up of hard skin is impossible to keep up with and the cracks in the soles keep cracking and bleeding. I have been on water tablets, they make me run to the loo a lot. I have recently been given support stockings, (I call them support socks) They are a pain to get on and off, they didn't do anything to help. Now I have to have blood tests, got my first one next week for diabetes, I don't think I have diabetes, I just googled it, yes I have some of the symptoms, but not all and anyway, I am a fat bastard and they say you have to be losing weight significantly, all I seem to do is put it on.

I am getting so stressed out just lately, I feel like chopping my damn legs off, the pain at times is almost unbearable. I woke up yesterday at 5am yesterday because of the pain, I was in pain all day. 

Another thing that seems to be happening lately is my short term memory is crap, I have actually wrote an email to the Alzheimer's association, I keep meaning to talk to my doctor about it, but guess what? I keep forgetting to do so.

Wow I have actually written a normal post today, something must be wrong with me.         

15th March 2014

It's the weekend and I have my youngest daughter's children, my grandchildren, staying. I love all of them dearly, but they are really testing me this weekend. The youngest one is teething, poor thing, he is in a lot of pain, surprisingly I am keeping calm. I have got such a headache, I was up at 5:30am this morning as well, just couldn't sleep ..... Yet again.

My feet are turning black again, they do every night and the pain that goes with it is almost unbearable, but the doctor says there's nothing that can be done, my legs and feet swell so much by the end of the day, I exercise, not every day admittedly, but I have only just started to go out after a quite a long spell of agoraphobia, it is difficult, but I am stubborn git and I am determined to beat it. 

   

12th March 2014

Today we are having new windows fitted, nice, the sun is shining and I am sitting here controlling the fact that I want to shouting at the guys. The mess is everywhere, and so many people invading my space, I hate strangers around me, I am trying so hard to ignore them by keeping on my computer, don't get me wrong they seem really nice guys and I have had their supervisor come and visit to make sure everything is okay, but I just don't like having people around me that I don't know, it has given me such a headache, I want to go have a lie down and try to have a kip, I hardly sleep at night, maybe three hours at the most, if I am lucky.

One good piece of news for a change, I have starting writing again, I have deleted everything that I done before and started afresh, don't know what I am going to call it yet, but it's a start, makes me feel good.

Makes a change that

10th March 2014

I have been feeling so strange today, thoughts rushing through my head, thoughts of my father and how he abused me in every way, the things he done to me, I hate him so much, there is not another 'person' that I can say I have ever hated before as much as him. His laugh sends shivers down my spine, I can hear him even now, though he's been dead for about fifteen years, I can still smell him, that chemical smell that he had when he came home from Beechams where he worked as a laboratory technician, where he made arsenic and cyanide among other things. He even brought some home once to kill us all.

9th March 2014

Today looking outside, the sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky. I was out of bed at 6:15am, life ain't been too bad for the last few days, except for a couple of stupid thoughts about suicide, I wish I could stop them, but I can't, I even had some thoughts about self harm again.

I am building a replica of the H.M.S. Victory, it has taken me two years so far and I am getting close to completion, this is my distraction, this has kept me going for the last couple of years, I do have another to do, the H.M.S. Sovereign, but I doubt if I will be allowed to do it for a while 'cause my better half has lost her job and doing something like this does take up a lot of space.

I have been thinking about my past a lot lately and I have been going through my diary .......

23^rd July 2011

It's been two weeks now since           left me alone, it has been so horrible to be alone with nothing to do, The internet has been taken off, the phone is off, I have tried, without success to get a job where I can feel comfortable, I am alone with my thoughts, at one point I felt as if I had gone back in time, am I mad? Well to be honest I don't know, if I did know maybe I would be sane. My life is crap, today I am having the last of the food that is in the cupboard, I feel that               doesn't want me anymore, that is why she is staying away, maybe I am right, or maybe I am wrong, I really don't know, but I do know that I feel that she is laughing at me now, laughing at the fact she is stringing me along, laughing that I am here alone and she is down her mothers with her family, most probably going out enjoying herself because I am not around, she says she loves me but I don't think so, not anymore, if she did she would be home by now.

What am I going to do? I know what I want to do and that is have my last meal in peace, have a glass of wine or even a large vodka to wash it down, it will be my last meal because I am going to take all my medication and put in my food, I have seen it on television and it seems a good idea. No more worrying, no more looking outside and seeing life passing by leaving me behind, no more worrying if              loves me or not, no more worrying about the bills I haven't paid, I will have eternal peace, I know that there is a God now, I saw Him last night in my dreams, he spoke to me, saying “I am waiting for you, come join me,” if he is waiting for me then I have to go don't I?

Also the end of July is the anniversary of my father's death, the bastard died a slow and painful death, proof that God does exist, my mother always said that God pays debts without money and now I see it for real, I don't just say it, she was telling the truth, I have tried so many times to end my life, without success, even my father couldn't kill me, he stabbed me, he tried to drown me, he even tried to poison me, but failed miserably every time, I laugh at that fact even now, maybe being alone and knowing now that no one cares will make it easier to give up on my miserable life, maybe being alone will work this time, I can't take anymore of feeling the walls closing in on me every night when I go to bed, I can't take anymore of the feeling of everyone laughing at me being alone here, I can't take anymore of the feeling of hopelessness, I can't take anymore of the feeling of being useless, it is about time I gave up and done something about it, but even writing this is scaring me, my feelings are strong enough to do this, yes, but now I am wondering about my children and my grandchildren, I don't think that they are strong enough to accept the way I feel, I don't think that are strong enough to see through the fact of me feeling like this to actually forgive me if I done what I want to do, am I being selfish if I go ahead? Yes I think I am, but how do I get these feelings out of my head? How am I supposed to survive? If I want to sign on to get any money, all            can say is, “You better find yourself another address because you can't put this address down,” I know I can't but isn't she being selfish there? Yes I do believe so, and it's all the other things she says, they are all about her, and it is all the time and guess what? I always give in to her, always without any fight, I listen to her go on and on about all the little things that annoy her that I do, like the ironing, I do it wrong for her,, the washing, I do that wrong, I don't make the bed properly because I don’t put her damn teddy’s on the bed, I don't do the hoovering properly, I don't do the washing up properly, the strainer on the sink has to be in a certain way, the tea, coffee and sugar canisters have to be just so, if I move something it is a big problem, she should get some help with her problem but she won't as usual, I have to put up with it.

I think I am cracking up at times, my life has gone from great to absolute crap in nine months, can I take much more? No I don't think so, I have had it, I have had enough of life, when I feel the time is right which I know will be soon then That will be the end, but the time is not now, not at this moment in time, I know it will be soon and when it comes I will know.

~~~xXx~~~

I read this passage from my diary and realize how bad I did get at times, maybe things were bad back then and things are better now, but I do realize that I could go back there if I am not careful and I could end up back in hospital at any time.

1st March 2014

Today is supposed to be the first day of spring in the UK. Yeah right, I heard the weather forecast last night and they say that snow is on the way, why is the weather so messed up? Answer, the people in the know say it's all down to global warming, Yeah I understand that, then again they also say the gulf stream has moved and because of this we're getting some really bad storms and they're only going to get worse as the years come and go. This all reminds me of a movie I have seen, the day after tomorrow. When I watched it I said that it could happen in real life.

Anyway another bad night last night, was up at 6am, went to bed at 2:15am, it's now 10:30am and I haven't had a flashback .... yet.

Here's a couple of entries from my diary, reading them makes me wonder why I stayed on that job for so long. I really enjoyed the job ................

14th May 2009

Yesterday I had a real shit day, why are people so bloody minded?? One guy had to make a complaint no matter what, he gets on the back doors with a buggy I ask him to leave and get on the front doors as this is not allowed and he calls me an inconsiderate bastard, I follow the rules unlike some.

Then there was a jaguar in Wimbledon got the hump because I wouldn't let him go first, what the fuck I had right of way.

When I get home yet again no dinner, I am beginning to wonder if ***** actually cares I'll give it another couple of days then I just might reconsider my decision about finishing everything because I am totally pissed off now

I have written to TFL about their rules on buggies and the complaints against me and the marks on my record it is about time to have these removed as it ain't my fault.

I have woke up this morning with a bad headache and feeling so damn angry before I even start work, but I have to go on.

15^th May 2009

Well I will most probably be in trouble for yesterday, why is it that it is always the bus driver's fault? A car decides to cut me up and nearly cause an extremely bad accident but because I followed the car and sounded my horn when I was alongside it, it seems that I am going to get the blame for it even though the passengers laughed.

I was feeling like real crap yesterday even the other drivers and ***** commented on it, sometimes I just can't help the way I feel and I just can't wait for my holidays which are soon.

I am feeling a little better today even though I do have a sore hand after smacking the bus wall again.

I have just written a letter to ******* concerning this matter.

I haven't eaten anything for three days now, I need to lose weight so this is a good way.

16^th May 2009

Had a couple of incidents yesterday, one, a black woman hit the side of the bus as I passed so I saw red and called out “What's your problem bitch?” her face was a picture I can't help but laugh at that. Then there was a kid, he got on and tried to use a pass that wasn't valid and then got off calling me a wanker well if he's big enough to dish it out he's big enough to take it, I got out and fronted him but he was too much of a coward.

No dinner again this is the forth day so much for ******* word, she said last week she would have my dinner ready for when I get in and so far this has not happened at all.

My hand is still sore and it's going brown now, what am I to do? Do I hit a person or the bus? The bus is preferable as I won't lose my job hitting that.

Bad dreams are increasing again I just hope that I don't start taking things out on ******* again because that is something I don't want to do, will she tell me if I do? I will ask her to do it as I really am worried.

So onto another day and it's Saturday busy, busy, busy.

It is Saturday evening and I have just got home, it was quite a good day with no arguments but why is it one moment I am OK the next I feel like crap, sometimes I go to bed at night and dream about all the things that nightmares are made of, I feel like I am on the edge of an abyss looking into a bottomless pit and all I need is a little push to fall into the pit and fall to God knows where, how can I keep going hot and cold, sweaty and clammy, I haven't had a proper meal for four days now, but why should I bother, I don't feel like eating anything, I have a bowl of cereal in the morning and a sandwich for lunch that is enough, I don't need anything else.

Ah well Sunday tomorrow and I am working.

17^th May 2009

I just got up and read the leaflet for my anti depressants and from that I can see that one of the side effects is suicidal thoughts and also lost appetite, now I can see why I am feeling like I am.

I still feel like shit and each day gets worse maybe the thoughts will go away but as I go on they seem to take over at times, even now I want to finish it and I haven't eaten for days now, I just don't feel like it, although I have just had two boiled eggs and now I feel sick but it will pass.

~~~xXx~~~

PTSD is a crap illness, it changes people, it changes their attitude, it changes their personality, it changes everything about the person, it is known as the invisible illness because no-one can see inside you. Outwardly I smile, inwardly I am screaming, outwardly it looks like I may be calm, inwardly I am shaking, sometimes I shake outwardly as well.

There are a lot of, what is known as 'triggers' in life. That is the main problem, these triggers can do things to a person, for example, I was watching a well known hospital programme, there was a young woman on life support, straight away thoughts of my mother came into my head and the day when the doctors turning off her life support, I couldn't get it out of my head for days.

(***** = I have taken a name out)