14th February 2014
Yesterday I went to town on my own, so what I hear you all say, well, I have developed agoraphobia, I have never felt fear like it. I would open our front door and this wave of fear would consume my whole body. I would hallucinate, I would see all matter of things. This might sound strange to anyone that hasn't had agoraphobia, but as I said in a previous post I also have post traumatic stress, which I guess contributed towards the hallucinations as I have quite bad flashbacks anyway.
People say to me, "move on" or "don't live in the past" I really wish I could move on and not live in the past. I am better than I was I have to say that, I have a family that have stuck by me and a wife that is my rock, she has been fantastic all through my illness, sometimes I wonder why she has stuck by me, I have asked her many times.
Here's a few entries from my diary .......
25th May 2012
It seems like I keep missing out writing here, but this time it was for a reason. I didn't want to put myself in a position that I write something but as I write it I become worse again. I have tried my hardest to cope with not having anyone to talk to, with Richard gone I am finding things difficult, it seems like Margaret thinks that now he's gone I am all better but I am NOT. She ain't been too bad but at times I wish she would just shut the fuck up, she drives me mad. I actually made inquiries in getting a place of my own but was let down yet again. I need my space, something I haven't needed before, but being alone during the day gives me time to think and I have realized that being alone is good for me, I like the solitude at times, other times I hate it, can't make my mind up which is better.
I am still having suicidal thoughts some days worse than others, but I have learnt to cope with them unless they get too bad then it is difficult. I have been contacted by some people called right steps, it seems like a good place to start my recovery, it's local and it might just work, but we shall see. It was Summer's birthday yesterday, I actually went there, although I did have a couple of bad episodes it didn't actually spoil my day, I enjoyed my day and Summer is growing so damn fast, in fact too damn fast, but she is my angel, the one thing that has kept me going through all the bad episodes in my life.
28th May 2012
Today is my second day alone and I am beginning to realize that no matter how things are that Margaret doesn't give a shit about me, she says she does but I don't think so. I have tried a little experiment to she if she does, I have turned off my mobile, so far she has bbm my daughters have, but I haven't answered any of them, now if that was me me I would have tried phoning to see if I was okay on the home phone if not from my eldest daughters home phone then from a call box, but there has been nothing from any of them, just goes to show none of them care, I could be dead for all they know or even care, I wish I was dead and that isn't just 'coz I am writing here, I REALLY do, maybe if I stored my tablets again, now there is an idea.
18th July 2012
I haven't wrote here for a while as I have been trying to assess what I should do. I still to end everything, is that selfish? No it would make a change for me to think about me. But my eldest daughter is coming down in two days so I have decided to put everything on hold till she goes home in a month, at least I will see my new grandson for a little while. I am hating myself more and more each day, life is total crap, I am a total waste of space, a useless chunk of fat. It will all stop when I finally go to sleep forever.
24th December 2012
It's been a long time since I have written anything here and so much has happened. My life has finally taken a turn for the better, although saying that, I recently had a stroke down my left side, it was so scary. It happened on 30/11/2012, I did not even realize that I was having a stroke, I always thought that there would be pain, but no, I thought I wasn't going to walk again because my left was totally numb and I was unable to move it. But some good has come from having the stroke, Margaret has been wonderful. I don't know who was more scared, me or her and the girls.
My anxiety, PTSD and the depression has seemed to have taken a back seat since I have had the stroke and it's so nice to feel 'normal' for a while even though I can't walk properly and most of the time my hand is weak, but sometimes it all comes back, briefly but it does.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ xXx ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's strange how having a stroke actually made me feel normal, I was told by the docs that the brain takes over what is happening to me and which is worse. I guess I should have been thanking that organ in my head for at least doing that for me, but it only lasted a few weeks before I was back to all the crap that was dished out to me in the shape of my ptsd, depression and anxiety.